| A TWICE WEEKLY SERIAL OF BIG TOP FOLK BY
SIMON PARKE |
|
EPISODE 29
IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY PEACHES
But not all is sweetness with the Fiery Fernandos. The visit to the church, for instance, does not go quite as planned. The fire-eating is fine, but after the vicar talked of swallowing our fears, the Fernandos grab the mic and preach their hatred of the church in general, and Father Patrick in particular. They can swallow fire, but still choke on their memories. The sight of a dog collar and the smell of the pews is just too much.
"I don't believe in God if he's anything like Father Patrick," says Ronan. "In fact, one day I'll kill God if he's anything like that man!"
"And we'll kill him slowly," says Danny, with menace. "A slow roast perhaps!"
Fire, menace and death threats; it isn't a dull service. And one surprisingly well received by the congregation:
"It's good to hear things straight."
"Didn't mince their words, did they?"
"I'd like to kill Father Patrick myself," said the verger.
"Well, not quite what I was expecting!" says Rev Smiles as Burt gets ready to leave. "But then again, not an event anyone is likely to forget in a hurry!"
"True. And how often can a vicar say that, eh?"
There are also persistent complaints about the Fernandos' behaviour when nobbing after a performance. ("Doing a nob" is circus slang for passing round the hat.) There is talk of intimidation, inappropriate suggestions to young ladies and suspected pick-pocketing.
"You're going to have to speak with them," says Teresa.
"Storm in a tea cup."
"They'll bring the police in."
"Who – the Zits? Not going to happen."
"Teenagers have parents."
"It's a fairground – not a bloody Sunday school!"
"I don't like the Burt I'm seeing," says Teresa, putting on her coat.
"If you don't like my peaches, then don't shake my tree!"
Teresa steps out of the trailer onto the damp grass, and immediately bumps into Daisy, who is in a state of some distress and panic.
"What's wrong, sweet pea?" asks Teresa.
"It's Julie!"
"What's wrong with Julie?"
"She's gone missing."
"Missing? How can you lose an elephant, for God's sake?"
"Someone let her out last night. The door's been opened; and I don't know where she is! I'm frightened, Teresa!"
More clowning around |
