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April 20, 2010
Will Mr Bojangles be fit for Saturday?
Yesterday, I went to see an osteopath - not to be mistaken for a psychopath, which is a very different craft.
He is, of course, the best osteopath in the world, and revealed that I had torn my abductor muscles and may also have a hernia. I'm hoping that it isn't a hernia; hoping that very much. In the meantime, he's working on the torn muscles.
As he massages my damaged thigh, I ask endless questions:
'Would Deep Heat help?'
'No - it makes no difference at all. It merely irritates the skin giving the impression of heat.'
'They're making alot of money from something that doesn't help.'
'They are, yes.'
'So what about the cold spray, that makes the affected area feel freezing. Surely that helps?'
'No.'
'OK. But I always feel better after a hot bath, so presumably that's helping the healing.'
'No - you just feel more relaxed for about twenty minutes. There's no healing there.'
It may have been at this point that I had to stop talking because the pain was too excruciating. A little earlier I'd said cheerily: 'Well, at least it doesn't hurt as much as last week!' He had stayed ominously quiet at the time, and now I knew why. He knew what was coming.
But I suppose my questions revealed a determination to speed up the healing process. There must be something I can do, something I can buy at the chemist!
'Oh, there are lots of things you can buy at the chemist, Simon. But they're all placebos.'
'If I was a premiership footballer, I'd be in an oxygen tent.'
(My osteopath treats premiership footballers, international rugby players, athletes, the lot. On reflection, my body must be something of a disappointment to him.)
'Maybe,' he says in response. 'But in certain areas, technology can only make a very few percentage points of difference.'
'So it's really about time?' I say.
'It's mainly about time, Simon, yes. The body needs time.'
So greetings, brother time - reluctantly, maybe, but I must make a friend of you. Yes, we shall be friends!
Posted by Mr Bojangles at April 20, 2010 05:14 PM