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April 29, 2010
The Bully and the Victim.
I have been dealing with a potential domestic violence situation.
As in most of these cases there is a bully and a victim, and considering their ages they are both playing their part rather well.
The bully is 3.5 years old and the victim is nearly 3. I will call them David and Katy.
Katy cries easily, David knows this and seems to enjoy the fact that he can make it happen.
Today David came into school with his Mum and younger brother, and whilst his Mum was taking his brother's coat off, a member of staff noticed Katy crying. When asked what the matter was, Katy told the adult that David had shouted at her. The staff member took Katy's hand and said they would go and talk to David about it. As they reached him, however, he stepped forward and without any warning slapped Katy hard across the cheek.
His Mum who was beside him reacted by asking him why he had hit the little girl and then sat him down and talked to him firmly in his birth language. My colleague took Katy to look after her and I then went to sit down beside David. He immediately moved away from me. I asked him to come back as I wanted to talk to him, but he replied 'No, you will hit me'. I gently replied 'I don't hit children, hitting anybody is wrong.'
He looked at me questioningly. This was obviously a new concept to him. I explained that in school grown ups never hit children; that hitting is unkind and hurts others. I asked him to look at Katy's face to see how sad she was, and explained that he had hurt and frightened Katy.
Later in the day, David spotted Katy from across the garden and called her name several times. Katy looked up and seeing who it was immediately burst into tears. I knelt down and asked Katy why she was crying, and she pointed across at David. I reminded her that David was only calling her name and that she was OK; that yes, David had hurt her this morning, but right now she wasn't hurting. I told her that I was by her side and two other members of staff were in the garden, so there was nothing to be frightened of. Katy calmed herself and continued to play.
Later when Katy was sitting on my lap, we spoke again about what had happened during the day and I encouraged her to use her voice to say a big NO, when someone did something that she did not like.
I promised that the adults in the nursery would help her.
This is an on going story for both children. David has a tough life, he already has two younger siblings and his parents find it difficult to give him the attention he needs; behaving badly gives him attention and any attention is better than none. David needs adults that will give him time and show him that relationships can be a place where he feels held and safe, and where he can share good times with others. He needs a place where he can learn to be kind, because people treat him kindly. He needs to be helped to understand that his actions do have consequences and can hurt others and he needs to be shown a different way to behave. He needs to learn that there are people who will listen and respond to his needs lovingly.
David needs adults who will respond to his challenging behaviour by giving him consistent and firm boundaries.
Katy, on the other hand, needs adults who will help her find her voice, so she will be able to speak up for herself and eventually say 'Stop shouting at me, I don't like it'. She needs to trust that until she is ready to do this, the adults around her will help her.
Along with my colleagues, I will do my best to help both these children by working with them and their families. I hope to make a difference in their lives, so when they are adults, they won't have to play the bully and the victim.
Posted by Shelliz at April 29, 2010 08:00 PM